April 19, 2010

Things to do when the internet doesn't work

So my internet was down all day yesterday (ALL THE LIVE-LONG DAY!) and of course, in our privileged society blah blah blah, we only realize how dependent we are on technology when it's ripped from our clammy, grubby claws. So, inspired by my time without the internet, I've decided to assemble a list of things to do in case YOUR internet disappears.

1) Build a Fire
Fires can be awesome (and dangerous, see above picture). When building a fire, make sure to ignite it out of doors, or in a fireplace! Also, make sure you aren't A) in a windy place, B) in a small outdoor place, like your porch, or C) in California, or other such flammable states (like a state of despair). There are a number of strategies for building a fire, but here's my favorite one:

A) Find some wood! The forest is a good place to start. Smaller pieces are better. Also dry, since we'll be lighting it on fire (hence the name "fire").
B) Grab some newspaper, and, if you've got a clothes dryer, some lint.
C) You'll also need something to make fire with. I like using matches, a lighter, or flint and steel. You can also rub two sticks together EXTREMELY FAST, but this takes a long time and you're likely to hurt yourself.
D) My two favorite fire constructions are the log cabin and the lean-to. I've included a picture of the log cabin (aka the "Cabin of Sticks"). For the lean-to, just put a burnable log on the ground and place a bunch of sticks so that one side of the stick is on the ground and the other end is perched on top of the log. With both of these designs, place kindling, newspaper, and lint on the inside and LIGHT THAT SUCKER UP!
E) Watch as the fire burns all of the stuff on the inside, fails to light the sticks, and then goes out.
F) Stomp your "Cabin of Sticks" in frustration and go back inside.
For more Campfire tips, go to this website where Sol Lichtmen will give you more helpful (read: real) advice: Campfires (that's where I got that nifty diagram from).

2) Look at Saved Internet Pages
If you download internet pages before your internet dies, you can look at them over and over again without any silly internet connection! If you're unclear on how to do this, I've included a handy video:

3) Watch a Movie
Movies are great for so many things: rainy days, lonely days, Happy Days, first dates, last dates, Save the Dates, date pudding, Jello pudding, Jello Biafra, making out. So many things! When your internet goes out, you may be saying, CRAP, how am I going to watch a netflix movie online without my internets? There is hope! Movies come in all sorts of varieties, but when MY internet is out, I prefer to watch things on VHS.
When my internet went out yesterday, my roommate and I watched "the comedy with everything on it", Goodburger.
 Die total verr├╝ckte Burger-Bude
This movie, featuring Keenan and Kel, with guest appearances by Sinbad, Shaq, George Clinton, and assorted All That actors, is a great movie for children and immature adults. Here's the song that I'll never stop singing, written by Less than Jake and star of the film, Kel Mitchell:

4) Make Lunch
Lunch is the most fun meal of the day. You can make pretty much anything and it will count as lunch. It's early enough for pancakes (and if you've forgotten to eat breakfast, you're good to go!) and late enough for absolutely anything else. The most tried-and-true standby is a Sandwich, ever heard of it? And hey, if you get really bored, you can make sandwiches for the rest of the week, so you don't have to worry about it! I recommend making different kinds of sandwiches, that way your taste buds won't get bored.

5) Sit and Stare at Your Computer until the Internet comes back
Probably the most popular choice when the internet goes out, this one gives you the same feeling that your dog gets when you leave the house. An alternative take on this is to keep hitting the "reload" button over and over. I like the small flutter of hope every time I push the button, that is inevitably crushed. Also, you can download animated gifs, which make the internet appear to be working, even when it's not! Here's one just for you, it's called "He took my daughter where?"

6) Pick Up a Hobby
Except, you'd probably have to learn about the hobby over the internet...so never mind. Try a hobby store or something. You can find one in the phone book you turkey!

Well, I hope this gives you some ideas on what to do when the internets get all clogged up. You'd better save this page (see #2) so that you've got some ideas whenever dire times hit you. If you've got any other great ideas, leave them in the comment section! If someone else has already commented, make sure you drag it to the lowest common denominator as quickly as possible until it turns into an argument completely unrelated to the topic at hand! Just like on Youtube!

1 comment:

  1. holy crap, you actually have Good Burger on VHS? Like the orange tape? I'm so jealous, I only have it on DVD.

    Also, I found the soundtrack hidden in my room this summer, I think I got it when the movie came out and then misplaced it sometime later. Anyway, it's still pretty baller. P-Funk and Digital Underground? Yes please.