Lindsay Lohan's Speak
Her juju is a-ok.
Maybe it's my current exposure to teeny-bopper music, or the advent of extreme-auto tune music, but I don't hate this as much as every particle of my body tells me I should. I listened to the entire first song, "Rumors," which consists of one giant complaint about the paparazzi following her. I don't keep up much on Lohan celebrity gossip, but these kinds of songs (I think Chris Brown has some of them too) are just pathetic. Also, how exactly am I supposed to relate to this song? Maybe everyone in California has their own crew of photographers following them, but I somehow doubt it. Well, maybe I don't doubt it but it doesn't relate to me very strongly. The other track I listened to was "Symptoms of You". My favorite parts of the track are the MIDI piano at the beginning that sounds like it was recorded straight off of my composition software Finale, and the undeniably perfect lyric: "I don't need a pill to fix my juju". I agree, Lindsay, your juju is just fine.
I give it one Milli and one Vanilli (both holding Grammys) so.... (1Milli + 1 Vanilli) x 1 Grammy
Everlast' Whitey Ford Sings the Blues
Not a blues album in the strict sense
Everlast, most well known for encouraging wedding-guests to "jump up, jump up and get down" from his time with the House of Pain (I've always thought International House of Paincakes would be a great band name) had a smash success with the single off this album, "What It's Like". Much like the Slipknot offshoot Stone Sour would do later with "Bother" and the seminal hard-rock band Filter with "Take a Picture", Everlast found his biggest success with his most out-of-character track from the album. Countless nannies, soccer moms, and cab-drivers who were driven to buy this album out of sheer radio-play repetition were probably shocked by the other tracks on the album, most of which boast Everlast's hardcore criminal and drug-laden past. I can imagine the van full of screaming children suddenly quieting as mom's CD changer goes from Dido to "The White Boy Is Back (and don't you know that he never smoked crack)". The CD has a Cheapo sticker on it meaning it wasn't my first rap album, but hey, it's one of my first. Also, the album isn't that bad, and "What It's Like" is a great song. I give it a five out of a possible five Funky Bunch members (go Twins!)
Hi Town DJs "Ding-a-Ling" Single
I don't normally invest in singles, but I obviously made exceptions in this case as well as the next one. Actually if memory serves correctly, a friend gave this to me in middle school. I've never really forgot about the song (it's difficult to forget) but absolutely did forget that I own the hard copy. The beat is antiquated and lame to be sure, very reminiscent of an MC Hammer groove, but the lyrics are where the real magic can be found. I think my new pick-up line (did I have an old one?) should be "Just gimme a ring-a-ling when you want some ding-a-ling (1-900-ding-a-ling)". This song is terrible, but it's so terrible I enjoy it. Therefore, it gets two out of the five Funky Bunch members:
B*Witched "C'est la vie" Single
Another day, another Irish girl group single. I have absolutely no clue how I came into possession of this gem. I don't remember buying it, and to tell the truth I don't have any memory of knowing his song before owning the single. The song itself isn't that annoying except for the opening "Some people say I look like me dad" which kind of really bugs me. Oh, that and the backing music sounds like it's from Gullah Gullah Island. The absolute most annoying thing about this release though, is the extra tracks found on this single in which the four women shown above "interview" each other, which means they ask a couple of useless questions and then break down laughing for the next three minutes. I remember trying to think it was funny, but weeping uncontrollably instead. I do like to look at the above album photo though and imagine they're all saying "YEAH!" That really makes me happy. So, even though I like the song, and the album cover makes me swell with joy, and the other song on the single has dinosaur references; the ticky-tack backing music and wretched "comedy" tracks on the CD reduce the score for this single down to one out of possible four members of B*Witched. Also, it took me a long time to find the key to make this symbol: *, so that further demotes this album to a single leprechaun:
My Complete Barenaked Ladies Collection
For you BNL purists out there, I realize that this isn't the complete record collection, but this is as many albums as I ever bought. I, like many others, was sucked in by their hit single "One Week" and further entranced by their safe, yet funny and catchy music. In fact, I would have left this band off of this list but I felt like I needed to pay my dues, and show how far a band can fall out of my favor. Barenaked Ladies used to be the favorite band of your faithful blogger here. They were my first (and second) concert, I devoured albums, music videos, and news about my favorite Canadian rockstars. Somehow, suddenly, they fell out of my top five, and then my top ten, and at some point were lost until I moved out my parents' house and discovered their albums gathering dust on the bottom of my CD rack. I don't know why I lost interest, maybe they were too unoffensive, or maybe it was Steven Page's smarmy grin. Or maybe it was this:
Gross, right? That's the kind of thing that's funny at the time, and then terrifying, gross, and inappropriate for all eternity. If our civilization is discovered 3,000 years from now, please let it be this album cover that they find to represent Canada. Please.
This only shows the bad (or whistful) discoveries from my search through the wreckage. There were some good finds, like Beck's Odelay, Les Claypool's Purple Onion, Catch-22, Alexisonfire, and hey, most of the Les Deuce Punks discography. I'm only halfway through my journey though. So expect more! More CDs that are...from the latter half of the alphabet.